My Brother’s Whore (Fragments From Books That Don’t Exist #122)


Poetry in Translation

Oft at noon in idleness
I lie beneath thy shady trees,
And list the sighing of the breeze,
The splashing of the waterfall.

And hear the lowing of the kine
While browsing on some far-off slope,
The wood dove cooing while I mope
And sink to gentle slumbering.

It’s cold and windy and the stupid cows and birds keep making noise and I’m just trying to take a nap ok. That’s right I said it. Stupid cows.

Ten and a Half Reproductive Phrases (Fragments From Books That Don’t Exist #121)


I suppose you know what you’re doing

It’s not the way I would do it but

When I realized it was yet another man talking I just sort of

Those words had no meaning

What he said sounded like blah blah blah blah blah

He supposed I knew what I was doing

It wasn’t the way he would do it but

I was only asking

How many ways, exactly, are there to skin a cat?

Did you know that in different countries cats have different numbers of lives? Here it’s nine but in other places it’s seven or even six.

If you were a cat, wouldn’t you want to know that?

Not the skinning thing, the place you should go to have more lives!

Heroes of the Lost Files (Fragments From Books That Don’t Exist #120)

Heroes of the Lost Files

Little known prophecies that don’t even matter:

  • On January 4th, 1982, a robin poked its head out of its nest and noticed a yellow leaf falling from above. It was the last leaf remaining on that particular maple tree that particular year, and it meant that there was going to be an early Spring with a lot of nice warm rain.
  • On January 4th, 1612, a badger was eaten by a wolf near the border of Siberia and absolutely fucking nowhere. This was a clear indication that there was going to be an early Spring with a lot of cold hard rain.
  • On January 4th, 1188, a fish swam in a creek down where New Orleans was later to be. The fish passed beneath a branch upon which several tiny black ants were marching. It was later observed by a local human that there was an early Spring with a lot of cool, refreshing rain.
  • If you ever see a one-legged robin, a two-headed badger, and a fish walking on water within a week, more or less, of a January 4th, chances are there will be an early and very wet Spring.

Build Your Own Remote Modulating Boiler (Fragments From Books That Don’t Exist #119)


Simon Moses thought hard about the situation. It was not going to be easy. The missing persons database was an old version slated for deprecation, and it was his job to upgrade the damn thing. No one had touched the system software for nearly twenty years, and yet every day new rows were added and old rows were edited as the I.B.L.C. went about their business. Simon looked up from his desk at the other clerks in the dusty desert office. Hala was sorting through the online obituaries, looking for matches. Grace was filing new entries, tapping away with her gentle, if gradual precision. York was eating yet another mud pie. How many of those things can one man eat? Simon thought with a sigh. There were already five hundred and seventeen million, four hundred and eighty one thousand, six hundred and fourteen rows in the database of missing persons. So many people. So many lost. Simon knew very well that the last time he touched this database he had accidentally encrypted all the timestamps. No one could ever know how long those people had been gone. Fortunately for Simon, no one ever wanted to know. If only he could remember what mistake he’d made. God only knows how I’m going to screw it up this time, he thought.

Alchemy for Dummies


Welcome to alchemy for dummies. Now in our last show we talked about how modern science has been coming up with all sorts of stuff the past few hundred years but we know very well that’s all just a bunch of hooey, because a thousand years ago they already knew all this stuff, they knew everything you needed to know and it was called alchemy. So today we’re going to show you how you can use some modern things to figure out what they already knew a long time ago. You just need a few basic materials like a, like a, like a book. Like this book, but it’s my book so you can’t have it. The book tells me I just need a few ingredients and then just a little extras something which I’ll talk to you about later. First thing we need is some common metals, like some common ordinary ingredients you might find hanging around your house for example, steel, like standard staples. Let’s see the ingredients here. Um, fits all staplers. That’s good. Chisel-pointed. Very important to have the chisel pointed. Resists rusting. Also important because you know what happens to things that don’t resist rusting? They rust. That’s what happens. You’ll need some other common metal objects you might find around your house. Anything metal, we’ll take it. And we’re also going to need some Sabian Symbols. Very important, these symbols from about a thousand years ago. They had a lot of good ideas then like, let’s see, children skating on ice and a secret business conference. These are important symbols that you need to know for the horoscopes of people like Calvin Coolidge. Important to know. Last but not least we need two very important metals – aluminum and mercury. Fortunately we have them both right here in this can of tuna fish. One can, chicken of the sea, aluminum and mercury right here together. Now we got all our ingredients we just need that little extra something I was telling you about earlier. It’s a magic cauldron. So, where’s the magic cauldron. I had it. It was right here. Honey? Where’s the magic cauldron? What? Oh, for crying out loud! Well, I can’t show you right now but what we’re going to do is we’re going to take these common metals, put them in the magic cauldron, and turn them into gold, and that’s a good thing, to turn things into gold, because everybody likes gold. So, next time we’ll tell you why everybody likes gold and we’ll talk about other things. Until then, goodbye.

Mint Chocolate Surveillance – The Searching

I thought I would do a Google search on my recent fake book title “Mint Chocolate Surveillance” – little did I expect that Amazon would have purchased the top link result for such a term. If you click on that link, it just takes you to an Amazon page to buy … mint gum, not security & surveillance electronics.

Friendly reminder that the so-called artificial intelligence being developed and deployed in the world today is just spreadsheet optimization for advertising targeting. It can do, at enormous scale and blinding speed, the same kind of stupid shit humans have always been doing – gaming the system for profit. It’s nothing else. When this kind of programming gets fully incorporated into fascist social engineering, the results will be exactly as stupid and we will all be living in the “now even more” automated hell we deserve.

Scholar, Doer, Worshiper (Fragments From Books That Don’t Exist #118)


His Excellency The Bon Bon Vigorator invented many whatsits in his time. Known for his playful and whimsical humor, one of his all-time favorite gadgets was the knee incinerator. This handy device would burn away the cartilage from the inside but slowly, oh so slowly, so that the subject would never lose consciousness but live to enjoy the entire experience. B.B.V., as he was known to his adoring fans, often enjoyed witnessing the demonstrations of his tiny toys. Princes and Ministers from all over the world would invite him to partake. There was never any shortage of an entourage. It takes a village after all. The Beeb and his buds always traveled first class, and they loved to shower the crowd with bubbly. It was rumored that Mr. V. had once been a lowly gym instructor at some awful rural dump of a school, where he had spent much of his time imagining and daydreaming. Those days were long gone now if indeed they ever were. His Excellency had one saying, and one saying only, that he loved to repeat whenever he got the chance. “Re-invent the wheel?” he’d ask and quickly answer with “why the fuck not!” and laugh out loud with his wonderfully boisterous voice.