Fragments from books that don’t exist: My Grandfather’s Girlfriend


This would be back in 1923 or 1936, one or the other I think. My great-uncle Irving was thrown into the East River along with a donkey and four cats in a bag. The joke was on the guys that threw him because he rode that donkey down to the bottom and back up through the water system which he knew inside out because he’d practically built the whole thing by himself. Would have been trouble for anybody else but Uncle Irving and he always liked to say if it weren’t for the cats he would have got home sooner. When he showed up for work the next day those guys were like wait what? So he pointed his middle finger right at their faces and they turned to fine Italian marble on the spot. Next thing you know Uncle Irving changed his name and that’s how they named the tallest building in the city after him. The day before yesterday he came back from the dead to tell me all about it. He says it’s fucking cold out there and believe me you better bring a winter coat. Also there’s no toothpaste and everybody has bad breath.


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