Really Bad Fan Fiction #2: Harry Potter

Harry, Ron and Hermione decided to go to America. They were sick of meat pies and chips and they’d also had enough of the whole wizards versus muggles rigamarole. They wanted to go where everyone had been created equal and endowed by their Creator. The first thing they did after landing at JFK and taking a cab through Queens was to get on a train to see the Real America. They somehow ended up in Racine, Wisconsin and got out to look around. Harry, Ron and Hermione were immediately impressed by the plethora of Dairy Queens and Chick-Fil-A’s available to the common bystander. The flavors, artificial or not, were much to their liking. It seemed like magic. You could order anything you wanted any time you wanted. There were even breakfast sandwiches at midnight.

Harry, Ron and Hermione got a room at a decent Best Western that even had a hot tub. That night while watching the local news they saw a story about a young woman who’d been stopped by the police for a broken tail light and had ended up beaten to death by them because she had been identified as black. Harry, Ron and Hermione didn’t understand. Hermione took it upon herself to look further into the matter, and discovered that even right there where they were, in far Northern America, the city had been deliberately segregated for generations, and quite a number of laws and regulations had their origins in a deep-seated racism.

“Looks like they have their own version of wizards and muggles,” she told the lads, “only here the powers aren’t special, they’re just rigged.” The next day Harry, Ron and Hermione set out to investigate the truth of the matter, each in their own way. When they got back together at an Outback Steak House for lunch, Ron got on Hermione’s last nerve by endlessly repeating “Bernie would have won” in response to everything she said. Hermione considered casting a silencio spell on her chum, but decided instead on a rather more simple “fuck you, Ron”. This curse reminded Harry that they were not too far from Lake Huron and suggested they go on a field trip there. “After all,” he said, “when they say ‘America the Beautiful’, they don’t necessarily mean its historical institutions. It’s the land more than anything else that is truly exceptional.”

 

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