Really Bad Fan Fiction #3: Star Trek

(These are the voyages of the star ship Enterprise, its continuing mission to mansplain where no man has splained before)

Captain’s Log, star date 7-13-2017: While orbiting the planet Spüller2000, the crew of the Enterprise noticed a tribe of native peoples gathered around a stream where it spülled into the ocean. Some of the people appeared to be reaching into the water as if to grab fish and were coming up empty-handed.

Captain Kirk: My God, look how incompetent those poor primitive people are! Can we stand by and let them starve to death? Surely we, with our vast stores of intelligence and experience, can lend them a helping hand in their hour of need?

Science Officer Spock: They do appear to be struggling, Captain. However I feel it is my duty to remind you that the Prime Directive …

Captain Kirk: Dammit Spock. To hell with the Prime Directive! When have we EVER been known to honor that shit! Point me to one episode, one single instance where we refrained from interfering and minded our own damn business because of a stupid ideal from some late twentieth century screenwriter!

Lt. Uhuru: Excuse me, Captain, but I think those are children we are looking at, and I think they are merely playing a sort of splashing game.

Captain Kirk: Children? I thought they were pygmies! OK computer, calculate the ages and mental capacity of those images upon the screen, and tell me what they’re thinking!

Computer: I’m sorry. I am not able to do that yet, but I am still learning.

Captain Kirk (grumbling): Who the fuck thought this computer product was ready to launch? Where’s the fucking quality control?

Science Office Spock: According to the data banks, quality control approved the release of this computer product. Corporate management told them it was necessary in order for Q3 goals to align with stockholder expectations.

Captain Kirk: Well, anyway, load up the photon torpedoes just in case we have to waste those meddling kids.


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