101 Uses for a Rabid Fanbase

Has it really been this long (33 years!) since the appearance of Simon Bond’s 101 Uses for a Dead Cat, (Since time immemorial mankind has been plagued by the question “What do you do with a dead cat?” ) a book that was quite remarkable in its day, a groundbreaking phenomenon of popular culture – something of an instant counter-reaction to the popularity of the Broadway musical ‘Cats’. The author/illustrator, who died a few years back, published several other books of drawings but there was no repetition of the immense popularity of Dead Cat.

Anyone who ventures into the commercial worlds of the arts is given all sorts of admonitions and advice about growing their brand and cultivating their audience, all leading towards the eventual reaping of the benefits of a widespread and numerous fanbase and yet, aside from taking their money, you never hear too much about the actual use cases for this collection. Is there really only one use, one purpose, one function for these followers? Well, two, if you include the old standby, the stroking of the ego.  Could there be more? I doubt I could come up with 101, but there are some things a fanbase might come in handy for, assuming of course that you don’t have an assortment of intelligent and configurable personal robots at your immediate and constant disposal.

A fanbase could wash your car. It takes more than one person to do a decent job of it. You have your scrubbers and your rinsers and your vacuumers and specialists in tire wiping and such.

A fanbase could do your shopping. If you’re like me, there are items you need that are only available at Trader Joe’s and others you can only find at New Leaf Markets, and then there are the generic brands where a Safeway or CVS will do just fine (apologies for the 21st century California references, but you get the picture). A fanbase can spread out, covering all these bases concurrently, saving time if not gasoline.

A fanbase could cheer on your child at his or her school sporting events. It’s obnoxious when it’s just one parent obviously rooting for no-one and nothing other than their child, but an entire booster section composed of unrelated persons? Priceless.

I’m sure there are many other practical if not sensible or rational uses for a rabid fanbase. Now, if only I could illustrate as wonderfully as the late Simon Bond, I might put together a viral cartoon book and develop a fanbase off of that! I would never have to wash the car again!



That’s it – i’ve had enough of this. I’m creating a startup called Fuggit.  The app will help you find a hole to hide in and a suitable soundtrack to drown out all the stupid news. Never be bothered by civilization again!

invention of the day

The grokking collar. This is placed around people’s necks to prevent them from understanding things. At the slightest sign of comprehension, the collar emits a shock which jolts the wearer our of further reflection. Current alpha prototype is being tested with a certain family from Alaska.

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